Tag: food

“Merry Christmas to ALL, and to ALL a goodnight—babies included!”

Now that Halloween is over, it feels like the holiday season is officially upon us.  Walking around downtown Chicago, the window displays are in full effect at Marshall Fields (yes, I know that it’s now known as Macy’s).  They’re setting up the German Kristkindl Market at Daley Plaza.  The stores are now carrying décor for every aspect of your life.  You can’t walk anywhere without being reminded that Christmas, and the holidays, are upon us.

For many (myself included), this is a season of stress—getting the Christmas cards made, addressed, and mailed; making sure that the decorations get put up; and trying to plan a thousand holiday parties with friends, family, co-workers, professional organizations, and the kids’ schools.  Not to mention the nativity plays and holiday performances that kids have to attend rehearsals for!  Oh, and did we forget buying gifts?  That’s a thing, too.

And yet, for many (again, myself included), all of this stress somehow fuels us to do more, enjoy more, and make this season magical. 

I was trying to schedule a time for my older two kids to see Santa (that’s how you do it where we live—it’s not like when I grew up and you just showed up and stood in line—now, there are fast passes and reservations required).  I was planning that one of us (my wife or myself) could stay home with our 6 month old baby girl, because she won’t get much from the experience, and it will interfere with her nap schedule, and it might detract from the experience for our older two, and besides, this is the FIRST TIME seeing Santa for our older two… so if they waited this long, she could wait too.

And then I got an email: our Church wanted our sweet baby girl to play the part of Jesus in the nativity pageant on Christmas Eve.  Apparently, she’s the youngest member of the congregation.  Either my wife or I would therefore play the part of Mary.

“Well…” I thought to myself… “I’m not sure this is a good idea.  It’s late in the evening, it will add another component of stress to the festivities (after all, if she cries while we’re just sitting in Church, we can walk her out into the hallway… but if she’s baby Jesus, it’s a little harder to slip away unnoticed), etc. etc.”

But then, in talking to my wife about it, she reminded me that (for those of us who celebrate Christmas), this is the season of celebrating Jesus.  A BABY.  And we were basically coming up with reasons to eliminate our BABY from any and all festive outings, on the basis that she was a BABY. 

So that settled it.  We will have ourselves a baby Jesus in the pageant.

In this, the season of celebrating the birth of a baby, we will do our part to make sure our own baby will be included.  While she may not remember anything, and while it might add an extra element of stress, it’s her Christmas, too—and we can’t let our baby girl be forgotten during this Christmas season of the forgotten trimester.

(And on a lighter note—if anyone has tips on how to help a baby sit quietly while playing the part of baby Jesus, I’m all ears…)

No one can do it like you.

No one can raise your child like you can, quite literally, because no one is you.  And yet, you know what?  It will be okay.

This is something that I have to constantly remind myself of, as recently as this morning. 

You see, our daughter turned 6 months old over the weekend (I can hardly believe it), so we decided it was time for our Au Pair to begin giving her food during the day. 

As a disclaimer before anyone jumps in with advice about introducing a baby to solid food– we started giving her a tiny bit of food about 6 weeks ago—just for fun, and for exposure to potential allergens (like peanut butter, eggs, soy, etc.).  As I may have mentioned in prior posts, my wife is a pediatrician—so we know how to do it safely, and understand that it’s not for nutrition (nutrition is what my seemingly endless hours of pumping at the office and at home are for—that liquid gold!)

Anyway…

Last night we “trained” our Au Pair on how to give our sweet baby food, what spoon she prefers, where the bibs are, how to ensure at least some of it gets into her mouth (as opposed to being on her face, the floor, her hands, etc.) and what foods we know she likes thus far.  Our Au Pair smiled and nodded, and confirmed that she understood what to do.  It’s not rocket science, so I told my type-A worried mind to relax, and that her endeavors to feed our baby some food today would probably go swimmingly.

Wrong. 

First, I got a text message asking which bib to use—to which I replied that it really didn’t matter.  They were all washable anyway.  Then, I got another message with a picture, showing our baby girl eating with the wrong spoon—it wasn’t her favorite spoon, and wasn’t even a baby spoon.  It was a standard soup spoon.  Finally, after the meal was completed, I got a message that our sweet baby girl wouldn’t take any of her bottle, which is what pushed me over the edge (in my mind, not outwardly).  Outwardly, I responded with a polite text simply saying “next time, please ensure she gets her bottle first, before you try any food.”  My inward thoughts, however, were not so calm.  I immediately launched into “Of course she wouldn’t take any bottle!  You filled her up with tons of prunes and spinach first, so there isn’t any room left in her teeny tiny stomach!  This isn’t rocket science!  And clearly you weren’t listening to the instructions last night, which included a specific disclaimer that milk always needed to take priority, and she should have a bottle before her food; not after!” 

Rage was happening in my mind, and I soon spiraled into other thoughts of guilt:  No one can do it like I can do it.  I should be at home feeding her and not working/having a career.  Maybe we should just feed her at dinner, and not have our Au Pair ever try to feed her.  Even with being spoon-fed the instructions (pun intended), our Au Pair still managed to mess it up.  Now our baby girl (who isn’t great about taking her bottles to begin with) was essentially behind an entire 4-5 ounces of milk for the day.  She might get dehydrated.  She might get constipated.  I wonder if I can sneak in another bottle at some point this evening to make up for the missed bottle.  Etc. etc.

And then I paused on one of those thoughts; specifically, the “no one can do it like I can do it” thought, because it’s something that was extremely hard for me when going back to work and leaving our baby in the care of someone other than me (or my wife), and it’s something I still struggle with.  Some people call it “mom-guilt” or some variant thereof—I call it being a control freak.  (Hey, at least I have insight into myself.)

I slowed down and tried to remember that “no one can do it like me… literally… because no one is me!”  Even my wife and I probably have slightly different methods for feeding our daughter.  And you know what?  Her methods work just fine, too.  Just as our Au Pair’s methods will likely work fine with a little fine-tuning.  I needed to provide the feedback about giving the bottle first, before food, and maybe tell her to use a baby-appropriate spoon next time, but the rest I needed to let go.  Because our Au Pair is not me, and doesn’t do things like I would do them, and that’s okay.  In letting these small things go, I’m teaching my daughter that others can care for her.  And that it’s oaky to be flexible, and not do everything the exact same way every single time.  Life isn’t perfect and doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.  She can still have her needs met, even when I’m not there (or my wife isn’t there), which I firmly believe to be a crucial lesson.  And, while I may think that I have everything to offer, I know that isn’t true—there are so many things our Au Pair can offer on a daily basis that I can’t.  Like speaking Spanish.  Exposing our sweet baby to a different culture.  Different music.  Adorable Pinterest crafts that I wish I had time for, but just don’t.  She’s learning things that I can’t teach her, and being exposed to wonderful enriching things, which is a gift that outweighs the small critique of using the wrong spoon and being behind on 4-5 ounces of milk for one isolated day.  It’s all okay; and, in all likelihood, I will get home tonight to find what I always find: a happy baby, anxious to see me, who is safe, healthy, and has had nothing but love and attention all day… and hopefully more milk. 😉

So, to all the other Mama’s out there thinking “no one can do this like I can!” You’re not alone.  And you’re right.  And yet, it will be okay.

How to not “forget” your other children during the “forgotten” trimester.

One of the hardest things, that I did not correctly anticipate, was how hard it would be to spend time with my older children once we welcomed our new baby girl.  While I relished snuggling a sleeping newborn, and I couldn’t quite seem to get enough of that newborn-baby-smell (it was more powerful than even the strongest pain meds for me!), I was also hurting inside—and I’m not just talking about the physical recovery after a c-section.

Why was I hurting?

Because I missed my older kids!  There is so much pressure on a new mom to bond with her baby, to breastfeed on command (if you’re a nursing mom), to cluster-feed 24-7, and to otherwise comfort and be with your new baby.  And while all of these things are precious, and the newborn phase is fleeting in the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t mean that your other kids can just be “put on hold.”

I could see how excited our 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter were to have a new sister, but I could also see that they couldn’t quite understand why I wasn’t around anymore.  To them, I’m sure it felt like they had been replaced.  Whenever the baby was sleeping, I needed to sleep (or pump, or shower, or do one of a million other things that I couldn’t do while holding a baby).  And whenever she was awake, I needed to have skin-to-skin time, or breastfeed her.  We all lived in the same house, and yet for the first couple of weeks, I felt like I rarely saw my two “big kids.”

Don’t get me wrong– we tried the best we could to make sure they still had time with me, and that I still had time with them.  My wife helped out as much as she possibly could, both with our older children and with the baby.  It still didn’t feel like enough.  I felt like my older kids were being “forgotten” in the forgotten trimester.

How did we fix the issue?  Honestly, the most helpful “fix” was just the passage of time.  Now that our sweet baby girl is 5 months old, I can look back on those first few weeks and reflect that there’s not much I could have done differently, or would have wanted to do differently.  Our newborn needed me.  Period.  I showed my other kids as much love and attention as I possibly could for that phase of life.  And now that we are through that phase and into the next, and now that our sweet baby girl is sleeping through the night, taking predictable naps, and having greater lengths of “awake” time, it’s easier to budget time so that everyone feels like they’re getting their “mama time.”  When our baby girl is napping, I make a concerted effort to just play with the older kids (as opposed to using the time to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, etc.) 

I also try, once per week, to pick up either my son or my older daughter from school just 30 minutes early, and walk home.  It’s amazing how much they’ll tell you, and how valued they feel, from something as simple as holding your hand and getting 30 minutes of undivided attention.  Sometimes we stop off for ice cream on our walk home—or pass by their favorite park and play for a while.  Whatever it takes—because no one should be “forgotten” in the forgotten trimester—particularly children.

While not everyone can have all of your time, you can make time for everyone.

What to give a family with a new baby.

Someone emailed me yesterday asking, “What would you recommend we give as a gift to a family we know who just had a baby?  Chew toy?  Clothes?  Something else?”  Such a great question.  And while the answer might differ depending on who you ask (post-partum mom versus their partner) and what their circumstances are, there are a few solid “go-to’s” that I like to recommend, either because they were things that were gifted to us after the arrival of our kids, or because they weren’t (but I wish they had been). 

My first tip is: new parents do not need that adorable onesie you’re thinking of buying them.  They don’t need any more clothes for the baby, actually.  Or toys.  Or even books.  If you want to get them something tangible at all, the only thing I’d recommend is an Amazon gift card, because then they can use it to buy anything they really need (diapers, wipes, etc.) 

In truth, the most useful and under-gifted things new parents need, particularly those first few weeks/months of the forgotten trimester are much simpler, often intangible, and fall into a few basic categories:

1.         Time. 

First and foremost, give new parents the gift of time!  Whether it’s giving them enough alone time, without visitors, those first couple weeks as they adjust, or giving them the gift of your time so that they can have time for themselves.  Or time for their partners.  Or time for their older children.  Or time to write thank you notes or sip a latte while it’s still hot.  One of the things that is hardest to come by and most appreciated by new parents is just that simple—time.

            One of the things I severely underestimated this “time” around (pun intended) was how much time I would NOT be able to spend with my older two kids.  When you’re constantly trying to nurse a baby, and pump, and get in a little sleep, and change diapers, etc. it is inevitable that you’re going to have less time with your older kids—which for me took a huge emotional toll.  I missed them.  And they missed me.  We would be in the same house all day, and yet I barely saw them, because my wife would be busy helping them with things, and I would be in a different room trying to nurse the baby (because trying to nurse in the same room as my older kids was a disaster for all involved—the older kids were jealous, I was distracted, and the baby was so over-stimulated that latching was even more difficult).  One of the best things my wife did for me?  There was one afternoon where she pre-measured all of the ingredients and set up everything we would need to make cookies.  Even the cookie sheets were ready, and the oven was pre-heated.  She timed it well.  As soon as I was done nursing and the baby was ready for a nap, she said to me, “Okay.  Now, I’ve got this.  You go make cookies with the kids (ages 2 and 4).  And don’t worry about the clean-up.  I’ll do it later—you just have fun.”  And you know what?  It was exactly what I needed, without even knowing how much I needed it; and it was exactly what my older kids needed.  Time.  The whole activity was maybe 30 minutes, start to finish, but it was so nice to just have some time with them to reconnect.  It was healing.

2.         Help. 

Another thing new parents need?  Help!  It’s one of the things they need most, yet likely the hardest thing to ask for.  New parents are supposed to be loving every minute of having a new baby at home.  That’s what society tells us.  And when guests arrive, they’re supposed to offer refreshments and entertain.  But you know what they actually need?  They don’t need someone to come drink all of their beverages and eat all of their food and coo at the baby for a while and then leave—nope.  They need help!  They need someone to come and wash their dishes after they finish making cookies with their kids.  They need someone to run their errands (like making that Amazon return that they can’t seem to manage to get done; or picking up more toilet paper because it’s an emergency and even Amazon Prime same-day delivery won’t cut it).  They need someone to hold a cranky baby while they take a nap, or take a shower, or even just take a 5 minute walk around the block to decompress.  They need someone to get groceries for them.  They need someone to vacuum their rugs, wash and sterilize baby bottles, etc.  The list goes on and on. 

One mom commented to me that the best gift she received was her mother signing her up for 6 months of house-cleaning services from a professional cleaning company.  That sounds heavenly!  One of the best gifts that we got was from my father-in-law—he came over once per week and mowed our very large yard, basically all summer, so that we wouldn’t have to worry about it.  And my mother-in-law was kind enough to stay with our kids for the days when we were in the hospital adding our newest bundle of joy, which was such a blessing.  Also, when my mom and her husband came to stay with us about two weeks after our daughter’s birth, we literally made them a list of things around the house that would be helpful, at their request, (changing lightbulbs, greasing squeaky door hinges, helping us re-arrange some furniture, etc.) that they worked on whenever they could—and it was AMAZING!

Help really ties back into the notion of item #1 on this list— at least for me, there was an overwhelming sense of not having enough time to get things done, because I was constantly nursing, pumping, or trying to cram food down my own throat in the 15 minutes before I was sure the baby would wake up again.  If you can’t give someone the gift of time, give them the gift of help.

3.         Food. 

New parents need food.  And lots of it! 

But, they don’t need it all at once, within the first week of baby’s arrival!  While this is a common thing to give new parents, and can be oh-so-helpful, so many people give new parents food within 2 or 3 days of the baby’s birth that a lot of it ends up wasted, because there is just too much and people’s freezers and refrigerators run out of space.  Instead, it’s more helpful to space things out—set up a meal train for a family with a new baby where people can sign up to bring over a meal on set days at set times.  Or just tell the family that you’d like to bring them a meal and ask when they’d like it.  Staggering the timing can be incredibly helpful, to avoid a family being overwhelmed.

If you’re going to gift food—be sensitive to any food allergies.  When our newest was born, a friend of ours baked us a loaf of bread that was not only beautiful and delicious, but was also dairy, soy, and allergen free.  Just salt, flour, water, and yeast.  Perfect.  We don’t happen to have any food allergies, but the gesture was appreciated, because anyone could have eaten that bread.

Other tips—if you’re going to gift a meal, it’s best if the meal is pre-made and in disposable dishes or containers that you do not expect returned.  The whole point of giving a meal is to simplify the new parents’ lives for at least one meal.  So make it simple—something that can be put in the oven, or quickly heated in a pot or pan, and then easily disposed of.  Avoid things that have more than 1 step required, or things that take an exorbitant amount of time.  Fast, filling, and nutritious is the way to go.  Make sure you include all of the ingredients, if there are things to be added on later.  For example, if you gift a taco kit, have all of the toppings pre-chopped.  And don’t send over meat and taco shells, but then note that the tacos are “best served with salsa and cheese” if you haven’t also included said salsa and cheese.  You don’t want the new family to have to make a special trip to the grocery store—since that defeats the purpose of bringing them the meal.  Finally, don’t gift a meal in a dish that you want back.  My sister-in-law made us enchiladas for dinner and brought them to us.  They were delicious!  Unfortunately, they were in a glass dish of hers, meaning that it was one more thing in our state of chaos to be careful not to break, try to keep track of, clean, try to remember to whom it needed to be returned (and now that I write this—I’m not sure that we ever did return it), etc.  Disposable dishes are a must (or, a sturdier Tupperware dish with a note that says, “This dish is yours to keep!  Please don’t return it.”) 

Another one of my favorite food gifts to give new moms if you don’t feel like dropping off a meal—lactation cookie mix.  Here’s why: even if you’re not sure whether a mom is breastfeeding or not, the ingredients in lactation cookies are safe for anyone to eat (kids and spouses included).  They’re just good cookies that are semi-nutritious.  And bonus—they’re a simple thing that a mom can also take a few minutes to bake with older kids while the baby sleeps, that everyone in the family can later enjoy.  Mixes are readily available on Amazon in a variety of flavors, and as someone who has tested quite a few—most are very tasty.

4.         Companionship. 

Last but not least, new parents need companionship.  As much joy as a new baby can bring, loneliness also presents itself.  Feelings of being overwhelmed, having no one to talk to all day, missing events that you would have attended had you not just given birth, missing your spouse once they return to work and you continue to be at home with the baby all day, etc. are common.  And here’s the thing people forget—companionship is not just needed at the beginning of the forgotten trimester; in fact, it’s needed even more a few weeks after the baby’s birth, because that’s when most visitors stop coming.  That’s when working spouses often return to work.  Once people have “seen the new baby,” it’s like they forget that there is also another person in the house, the new mom, who needs companionship, and needs to been truly “seen.”  Now, all new moms are different in terms of how much companionship they need.  Some moms love having people come over every single day, for several hours at a time.  For me, I liked my “alone time” with our new baby girl, and having someone come over just once or twice per week for an hour or two was sufficient to make me feel like I was still a part of society.  The trick is just to make sure that new mom’s don’t feel forgotten—as much as you probably want to go see the adorable new baby, don’t forget there is someone else you need to pay attention to, also—that new mom. 

(And as a disclaimer—if you ever think that you or a new mom are struggling with post-partum depression or post-partum anxiety, the topic for a future post, reach out and get help, or have someone reach out and seek help on your behalf.)

So, the next time you’re thinking of buying that adorable onesie, or toy, or other gift for a new baby, take a pause and try to think about the above.  Toys will eventually wear out, or be given away, lost, or tossed in the trash.  Same for clothes—they have a limited lifespan.  The gifts that a family with a new baby will truly cherish and remember are those that help them in their time of need, make their lives easier, are sometimes intangible, often don’t cost any money at all, and instead involve giving a little of your time, effort, and, most importantly, love.