Tag: depression

The Holidays: the start of a New Year, the start of New Goals

The holidays.  Christmas.  Truly my favorite season of the year—and I do mean “season” because in my household, it’s at least a 6-8 week timeframe of nothing but baking cookies, wearing Christmas sweaters, watching Christmas movies on repeat, indulging in Christmas parties and sweet treats, sharing drinks and elaborate meals with new friends and old, drinking cocoa on cold mornings, having everything be peppermint flavored, lighting fires in the fire place, and praying for snow.  The season of perpetual hope—the season for loving and giving, family and friends.  I love it all.

The holidays sure flew by this year.  When they were over, I found myself conflicted: both sad that the festivities were over yet also exhausted and ready to get back into a more “normal” routine.  I found myself, more than once this season, dreading some of the tasks that come along with all of that festive joy.  For example, our “Elf on the Shelf.”  Last year I was pregnant and nauseous, and since I spent most evenings praying at the porcelain throne, I did a very iffy job with our elf, whom we named Clark.  I basically just moved him every night from one shelf to another.  There was no creativity or extra effort.  I felt like he was a burden in my nightly routine of getting home from work, putting the kids to bed, throwing up, and then putting myself to bed.  I vowed to do better this year.  And so, I did.  This year, Clark went on all sorts of adventures—he made a swing out of an old paper towel tube and some twine, and went swinging from our chandelier.  He made himself an “igloo” out of a discarded tissue box with cotton balls stuck to the outside.  He hid candy canes around our house for the kids to find when they woke up.  He wrote them notes.  He drew smiley faces on our bananas.  And as the pièce de résistance, he went swimming in a bath of chocolate candies inside a candy dish.  Clark had quite a season indeed. 

Yet while I felt better about my effort this year, as the days wore on, my ability to be creative in designing Clark’s next great adventure waned.  I was turning to Pinterest for ideas.  I was sitting down on the sofa at night only to stand back up again, begrudgingly, because I had forgotten about Clark and needed to move him. 

And aside from the nightly Clark adventures, I also needed to buy gifts for the kids school teachers, the gymnastics coach, the Sunday School teachers, the mailman, the relatives, etc. and also ensure that the Christmas cards got addressed and mailed, ensure the kids were signed up for a visit to see Santa and tell them their little hearts desires, and also RSVP for the 19 different Christmas gatherings that we’d been invited to (I’m not exaggerating), and figure out which ones we could attend, what child care we would need, etc.  I needed to wrap all of the gifts.  I needed to ship some of the gifts (meaning a visit to the always unpleasant post office).  I needed to get the kids to their rehearsals for the Christmas pageant at school, and the totally separate Christmas pageant at Church.  I needed to go to the grocery store and make sure we had ingredients on hand to make cookies over the weekend.  I needed to figure out whether the kids had special outfits for Christmas Eve service, and if not, go shopping to buy them something so that we could get a great family photo.  I needed to DO things, every night.  My perpetual to-do list, instead of shrinking each time I completed a holiday task, just seemed to expand.   (And this doesn’t even include grading papers for my law school students because the semester had ended, or working my day job of being a divorce attorney, or pumping milk for our 8 month old baby, or the cleaning, the laundry, or any other of life’s circuitous tasks… and there was certainly no time for myself, to sit and write something meaningful for this hobby of mine called “The Forgotten Trimester.”  My mind was too busy swimming with thoughts of holiday to-do’s.)

Everything about the season was fun at the beginning; burden by the end.  It was too much.  The season, my normal time of joy, was stressing me out!  And in case everyone is wondering—of course I had help from my wife.  We divided and conquered as much as we could.  But the ability to just sit and watch the twinkle of the Christmas tree lights while having adult conversation with my wife over a glass of cabernet sauvignon disappeared.  And I felt oh-so-guilty about not being able to create holiday magic 24/7, and not enjoying every minute of every task.

Fast forward, and we survived.  Our Christmas photos may not have turned out picture-perfect, we inadvertently left a few people off our Christmas card list, and didn’t make all of the cookie recipes we were planning on making, we only made it to about 3 Christmas parties, our middle daughter faced backward for the entirety of the Christmas pageant so we never saw her face, we dealt with a round of Strep Throat, and we were up until midnight on Christmas Eve (despite promises that we would get everything done well in advance) wrapping Santa gifts and putting the finishing touches on everything for the big day.  But we made it.  And I’m sure if you asked my kids—they had a blast. 

The rest of our time off from work and school flew by, and New Year’s Eve was a blur.  Before we knew it—January 1, 2020 was upon us.  Back to reality and routine.

As I walked into my office in the New Year (after being out of the office for approximately 2 weeks enduring the flurry that was the holidays), I opened my email, to find one of those emails you’re never prepared for and hope to never receive.  One of my clients, a troubled man with alcoholism, had committed suicide, leaving behind a 5 year old daughter.

My heart broke.  I left to go for a walk to clear my head.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the holidays, however stressful they may be, are made bearable for me because I’ve got a loving family and friends.  My children and my wife are my greatest joys.  Coming home to them every night, and having those little moments of reading a book as a family before bedtime, or snuggling up with a cup of cocoa in front of the fire after sledding at the park—those are the real joys of Christmas and the holidays.  What if I didn’t have those moments?  What if I didn’t have my kids or my wife at the holidays?  It would be lonely.  Oh-so-lonely.  And depressing.  And hard to get through.  And in the case of my client, literally impossible to get through.

So for next year, I vow to do better.  I’m not talking about doing a better job with Clark’s “Elf on the Shelf” adventures, which was what I vowed to do better this year.  No… I’m talking about doing better by those in need.  Those who are lonely and depressed and without family or friends to help guide them through what is supposed to be the season of perpetual hope.  Being there for each other, saving each other, is what the focus should really be… after all, wasn’t that the reason for that darling Baby Boy lying in a manger?  To save us all. 

I won’t be able to save us all… but I will try my best to do my bit this New Year.  Because everyone goes through their own “Forgotten Trimester” at some point in life; and yet no one deserves to feel “forgotten,” especially at the holidays. Let’s all do as Ellen DeGeneres suggests and “be kind to one another.” We all deserve that.

How to not “forget” your other children during the “forgotten” trimester.

One of the hardest things, that I did not correctly anticipate, was how hard it would be to spend time with my older children once we welcomed our new baby girl.  While I relished snuggling a sleeping newborn, and I couldn’t quite seem to get enough of that newborn-baby-smell (it was more powerful than even the strongest pain meds for me!), I was also hurting inside—and I’m not just talking about the physical recovery after a c-section.

Why was I hurting?

Because I missed my older kids!  There is so much pressure on a new mom to bond with her baby, to breastfeed on command (if you’re a nursing mom), to cluster-feed 24-7, and to otherwise comfort and be with your new baby.  And while all of these things are precious, and the newborn phase is fleeting in the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t mean that your other kids can just be “put on hold.”

I could see how excited our 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter were to have a new sister, but I could also see that they couldn’t quite understand why I wasn’t around anymore.  To them, I’m sure it felt like they had been replaced.  Whenever the baby was sleeping, I needed to sleep (or pump, or shower, or do one of a million other things that I couldn’t do while holding a baby).  And whenever she was awake, I needed to have skin-to-skin time, or breastfeed her.  We all lived in the same house, and yet for the first couple of weeks, I felt like I rarely saw my two “big kids.”

Don’t get me wrong– we tried the best we could to make sure they still had time with me, and that I still had time with them.  My wife helped out as much as she possibly could, both with our older children and with the baby.  It still didn’t feel like enough.  I felt like my older kids were being “forgotten” in the forgotten trimester.

How did we fix the issue?  Honestly, the most helpful “fix” was just the passage of time.  Now that our sweet baby girl is 5 months old, I can look back on those first few weeks and reflect that there’s not much I could have done differently, or would have wanted to do differently.  Our newborn needed me.  Period.  I showed my other kids as much love and attention as I possibly could for that phase of life.  And now that we are through that phase and into the next, and now that our sweet baby girl is sleeping through the night, taking predictable naps, and having greater lengths of “awake” time, it’s easier to budget time so that everyone feels like they’re getting their “mama time.”  When our baby girl is napping, I make a concerted effort to just play with the older kids (as opposed to using the time to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, etc.) 

I also try, once per week, to pick up either my son or my older daughter from school just 30 minutes early, and walk home.  It’s amazing how much they’ll tell you, and how valued they feel, from something as simple as holding your hand and getting 30 minutes of undivided attention.  Sometimes we stop off for ice cream on our walk home—or pass by their favorite park and play for a while.  Whatever it takes—because no one should be “forgotten” in the forgotten trimester—particularly children.

While not everyone can have all of your time, you can make time for everyone.

What to give a family with a new baby.

Someone emailed me yesterday asking, “What would you recommend we give as a gift to a family we know who just had a baby?  Chew toy?  Clothes?  Something else?”  Such a great question.  And while the answer might differ depending on who you ask (post-partum mom versus their partner) and what their circumstances are, there are a few solid “go-to’s” that I like to recommend, either because they were things that were gifted to us after the arrival of our kids, or because they weren’t (but I wish they had been). 

My first tip is: new parents do not need that adorable onesie you’re thinking of buying them.  They don’t need any more clothes for the baby, actually.  Or toys.  Or even books.  If you want to get them something tangible at all, the only thing I’d recommend is an Amazon gift card, because then they can use it to buy anything they really need (diapers, wipes, etc.) 

In truth, the most useful and under-gifted things new parents need, particularly those first few weeks/months of the forgotten trimester are much simpler, often intangible, and fall into a few basic categories:

1.         Time. 

First and foremost, give new parents the gift of time!  Whether it’s giving them enough alone time, without visitors, those first couple weeks as they adjust, or giving them the gift of your time so that they can have time for themselves.  Or time for their partners.  Or time for their older children.  Or time to write thank you notes or sip a latte while it’s still hot.  One of the things that is hardest to come by and most appreciated by new parents is just that simple—time.

            One of the things I severely underestimated this “time” around (pun intended) was how much time I would NOT be able to spend with my older two kids.  When you’re constantly trying to nurse a baby, and pump, and get in a little sleep, and change diapers, etc. it is inevitable that you’re going to have less time with your older kids—which for me took a huge emotional toll.  I missed them.  And they missed me.  We would be in the same house all day, and yet I barely saw them, because my wife would be busy helping them with things, and I would be in a different room trying to nurse the baby (because trying to nurse in the same room as my older kids was a disaster for all involved—the older kids were jealous, I was distracted, and the baby was so over-stimulated that latching was even more difficult).  One of the best things my wife did for me?  There was one afternoon where she pre-measured all of the ingredients and set up everything we would need to make cookies.  Even the cookie sheets were ready, and the oven was pre-heated.  She timed it well.  As soon as I was done nursing and the baby was ready for a nap, she said to me, “Okay.  Now, I’ve got this.  You go make cookies with the kids (ages 2 and 4).  And don’t worry about the clean-up.  I’ll do it later—you just have fun.”  And you know what?  It was exactly what I needed, without even knowing how much I needed it; and it was exactly what my older kids needed.  Time.  The whole activity was maybe 30 minutes, start to finish, but it was so nice to just have some time with them to reconnect.  It was healing.

2.         Help. 

Another thing new parents need?  Help!  It’s one of the things they need most, yet likely the hardest thing to ask for.  New parents are supposed to be loving every minute of having a new baby at home.  That’s what society tells us.  And when guests arrive, they’re supposed to offer refreshments and entertain.  But you know what they actually need?  They don’t need someone to come drink all of their beverages and eat all of their food and coo at the baby for a while and then leave—nope.  They need help!  They need someone to come and wash their dishes after they finish making cookies with their kids.  They need someone to run their errands (like making that Amazon return that they can’t seem to manage to get done; or picking up more toilet paper because it’s an emergency and even Amazon Prime same-day delivery won’t cut it).  They need someone to hold a cranky baby while they take a nap, or take a shower, or even just take a 5 minute walk around the block to decompress.  They need someone to get groceries for them.  They need someone to vacuum their rugs, wash and sterilize baby bottles, etc.  The list goes on and on. 

One mom commented to me that the best gift she received was her mother signing her up for 6 months of house-cleaning services from a professional cleaning company.  That sounds heavenly!  One of the best gifts that we got was from my father-in-law—he came over once per week and mowed our very large yard, basically all summer, so that we wouldn’t have to worry about it.  And my mother-in-law was kind enough to stay with our kids for the days when we were in the hospital adding our newest bundle of joy, which was such a blessing.  Also, when my mom and her husband came to stay with us about two weeks after our daughter’s birth, we literally made them a list of things around the house that would be helpful, at their request, (changing lightbulbs, greasing squeaky door hinges, helping us re-arrange some furniture, etc.) that they worked on whenever they could—and it was AMAZING!

Help really ties back into the notion of item #1 on this list— at least for me, there was an overwhelming sense of not having enough time to get things done, because I was constantly nursing, pumping, or trying to cram food down my own throat in the 15 minutes before I was sure the baby would wake up again.  If you can’t give someone the gift of time, give them the gift of help.

3.         Food. 

New parents need food.  And lots of it! 

But, they don’t need it all at once, within the first week of baby’s arrival!  While this is a common thing to give new parents, and can be oh-so-helpful, so many people give new parents food within 2 or 3 days of the baby’s birth that a lot of it ends up wasted, because there is just too much and people’s freezers and refrigerators run out of space.  Instead, it’s more helpful to space things out—set up a meal train for a family with a new baby where people can sign up to bring over a meal on set days at set times.  Or just tell the family that you’d like to bring them a meal and ask when they’d like it.  Staggering the timing can be incredibly helpful, to avoid a family being overwhelmed.

If you’re going to gift food—be sensitive to any food allergies.  When our newest was born, a friend of ours baked us a loaf of bread that was not only beautiful and delicious, but was also dairy, soy, and allergen free.  Just salt, flour, water, and yeast.  Perfect.  We don’t happen to have any food allergies, but the gesture was appreciated, because anyone could have eaten that bread.

Other tips—if you’re going to gift a meal, it’s best if the meal is pre-made and in disposable dishes or containers that you do not expect returned.  The whole point of giving a meal is to simplify the new parents’ lives for at least one meal.  So make it simple—something that can be put in the oven, or quickly heated in a pot or pan, and then easily disposed of.  Avoid things that have more than 1 step required, or things that take an exorbitant amount of time.  Fast, filling, and nutritious is the way to go.  Make sure you include all of the ingredients, if there are things to be added on later.  For example, if you gift a taco kit, have all of the toppings pre-chopped.  And don’t send over meat and taco shells, but then note that the tacos are “best served with salsa and cheese” if you haven’t also included said salsa and cheese.  You don’t want the new family to have to make a special trip to the grocery store—since that defeats the purpose of bringing them the meal.  Finally, don’t gift a meal in a dish that you want back.  My sister-in-law made us enchiladas for dinner and brought them to us.  They were delicious!  Unfortunately, they were in a glass dish of hers, meaning that it was one more thing in our state of chaos to be careful not to break, try to keep track of, clean, try to remember to whom it needed to be returned (and now that I write this—I’m not sure that we ever did return it), etc.  Disposable dishes are a must (or, a sturdier Tupperware dish with a note that says, “This dish is yours to keep!  Please don’t return it.”) 

Another one of my favorite food gifts to give new moms if you don’t feel like dropping off a meal—lactation cookie mix.  Here’s why: even if you’re not sure whether a mom is breastfeeding or not, the ingredients in lactation cookies are safe for anyone to eat (kids and spouses included).  They’re just good cookies that are semi-nutritious.  And bonus—they’re a simple thing that a mom can also take a few minutes to bake with older kids while the baby sleeps, that everyone in the family can later enjoy.  Mixes are readily available on Amazon in a variety of flavors, and as someone who has tested quite a few—most are very tasty.

4.         Companionship. 

Last but not least, new parents need companionship.  As much joy as a new baby can bring, loneliness also presents itself.  Feelings of being overwhelmed, having no one to talk to all day, missing events that you would have attended had you not just given birth, missing your spouse once they return to work and you continue to be at home with the baby all day, etc. are common.  And here’s the thing people forget—companionship is not just needed at the beginning of the forgotten trimester; in fact, it’s needed even more a few weeks after the baby’s birth, because that’s when most visitors stop coming.  That’s when working spouses often return to work.  Once people have “seen the new baby,” it’s like they forget that there is also another person in the house, the new mom, who needs companionship, and needs to been truly “seen.”  Now, all new moms are different in terms of how much companionship they need.  Some moms love having people come over every single day, for several hours at a time.  For me, I liked my “alone time” with our new baby girl, and having someone come over just once or twice per week for an hour or two was sufficient to make me feel like I was still a part of society.  The trick is just to make sure that new mom’s don’t feel forgotten—as much as you probably want to go see the adorable new baby, don’t forget there is someone else you need to pay attention to, also—that new mom. 

(And as a disclaimer—if you ever think that you or a new mom are struggling with post-partum depression or post-partum anxiety, the topic for a future post, reach out and get help, or have someone reach out and seek help on your behalf.)

So, the next time you’re thinking of buying that adorable onesie, or toy, or other gift for a new baby, take a pause and try to think about the above.  Toys will eventually wear out, or be given away, lost, or tossed in the trash.  Same for clothes—they have a limited lifespan.  The gifts that a family with a new baby will truly cherish and remember are those that help them in their time of need, make their lives easier, are sometimes intangible, often don’t cost any money at all, and instead involve giving a little of your time, effort, and, most importantly, love.