One of the hardest things, that I did not correctly anticipate, was how hard it would be to spend time with my older children once we welcomed our new baby girl. While I relished snuggling a sleeping newborn, and I couldn’t quite seem to get enough of that newborn-baby-smell (it was more powerful than even the strongest pain meds for me!), I was also hurting inside—and I’m not just talking about the physical recovery after a c-section.
Why was I hurting?
Because I missed my older kids! There is so much pressure on a new mom to bond with her baby, to breastfeed on command (if you’re a nursing mom), to cluster-feed 24-7, and to otherwise comfort and be with your new baby. And while all of these things are precious, and the newborn phase is fleeting in the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t mean that your other kids can just be “put on hold.”
I could see how excited our 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter were to have a new sister, but I could also see that they couldn’t quite understand why I wasn’t around anymore. To them, I’m sure it felt like they had been replaced. Whenever the baby was sleeping, I needed to sleep (or pump, or shower, or do one of a million other things that I couldn’t do while holding a baby). And whenever she was awake, I needed to have skin-to-skin time, or breastfeed her. We all lived in the same house, and yet for the first couple of weeks, I felt like I rarely saw my two “big kids.”
Don’t get me wrong– we tried the best we could to make sure they still had time with me, and that I still had time with them. My wife helped out as much as she possibly could, both with our older children and with the baby. It still didn’t feel like enough. I felt like my older kids were being “forgotten” in the forgotten trimester.
How did we fix the issue? Honestly, the most helpful “fix” was just the passage of time. Now that our sweet baby girl is 5 months old, I can look back on those first few weeks and reflect that there’s not much I could have done differently, or would have wanted to do differently. Our newborn needed me. Period. I showed my other kids as much love and attention as I possibly could for that phase of life. And now that we are through that phase and into the next, and now that our sweet baby girl is sleeping through the night, taking predictable naps, and having greater lengths of “awake” time, it’s easier to budget time so that everyone feels like they’re getting their “mama time.” When our baby girl is napping, I make a concerted effort to just play with the older kids (as opposed to using the time to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, etc.)
I also try, once per week, to pick up either my son or my older daughter from school just 30 minutes early, and walk home. It’s amazing how much they’ll tell you, and how valued they feel, from something as simple as holding your hand and getting 30 minutes of undivided attention. Sometimes we stop off for ice cream on our walk home—or pass by their favorite park and play for a while. Whatever it takes—because no one should be “forgotten” in the forgotten trimester—particularly children.
While not everyone can have all of your time, you can make time for everyone.
~The Forgotten Trimester~ 