Someone emailed me yesterday asking, “What would you recommend we give as a gift to a family we know who just had a baby? Chew toy? Clothes? Something else?” Such a great question. And while the answer might differ depending on who you ask (post-partum mom versus their partner) and what their circumstances are, there are a few solid “go-to’s” that I like to recommend, either because they were things that were gifted to us after the arrival of our kids, or because they weren’t (but I wish they had been).
My first tip is: new parents do not need that adorable onesie you’re thinking of buying them. They don’t need any more clothes for the baby, actually. Or toys. Or even books. If you want to get them something tangible at all, the only thing I’d recommend is an Amazon gift card, because then they can use it to buy anything they really need (diapers, wipes, etc.)
In truth, the most useful and under-gifted things new parents need, particularly those first few weeks/months of the forgotten trimester are much simpler, often intangible, and fall into a few basic categories:
1. Time.
First and foremost, give new parents the gift of time! Whether it’s giving them enough alone time, without visitors, those first couple weeks as they adjust, or giving them the gift of your time so that they can have time for themselves. Or time for their partners. Or time for their older children. Or time to write thank you notes or sip a latte while it’s still hot. One of the things that is hardest to come by and most appreciated by new parents is just that simple—time.
One of the things I severely underestimated this “time” around (pun intended) was how much time I would NOT be able to spend with my older two kids. When you’re constantly trying to nurse a baby, and pump, and get in a little sleep, and change diapers, etc. it is inevitable that you’re going to have less time with your older kids—which for me took a huge emotional toll. I missed them. And they missed me. We would be in the same house all day, and yet I barely saw them, because my wife would be busy helping them with things, and I would be in a different room trying to nurse the baby (because trying to nurse in the same room as my older kids was a disaster for all involved—the older kids were jealous, I was distracted, and the baby was so over-stimulated that latching was even more difficult). One of the best things my wife did for me? There was one afternoon where she pre-measured all of the ingredients and set up everything we would need to make cookies. Even the cookie sheets were ready, and the oven was pre-heated. She timed it well. As soon as I was done nursing and the baby was ready for a nap, she said to me, “Okay. Now, I’ve got this. You go make cookies with the kids (ages 2 and 4). And don’t worry about the clean-up. I’ll do it later—you just have fun.” And you know what? It was exactly what I needed, without even knowing how much I needed it; and it was exactly what my older kids needed. Time. The whole activity was maybe 30 minutes, start to finish, but it was so nice to just have some time with them to reconnect. It was healing.
2. Help.
Another thing new parents need? Help! It’s one of the things they need most, yet likely the hardest thing to ask for. New parents are supposed to be loving every minute of having a new baby at home. That’s what society tells us. And when guests arrive, they’re supposed to offer refreshments and entertain. But you know what they actually need? They don’t need someone to come drink all of their beverages and eat all of their food and coo at the baby for a while and then leave—nope. They need help! They need someone to come and wash their dishes after they finish making cookies with their kids. They need someone to run their errands (like making that Amazon return that they can’t seem to manage to get done; or picking up more toilet paper because it’s an emergency and even Amazon Prime same-day delivery won’t cut it). They need someone to hold a cranky baby while they take a nap, or take a shower, or even just take a 5 minute walk around the block to decompress. They need someone to get groceries for them. They need someone to vacuum their rugs, wash and sterilize baby bottles, etc. The list goes on and on.
One mom commented to me that the best gift she received was her mother signing her up for 6 months of house-cleaning services from a professional cleaning company. That sounds heavenly! One of the best gifts that we got was from my father-in-law—he came over once per week and mowed our very large yard, basically all summer, so that we wouldn’t have to worry about it. And my mother-in-law was kind enough to stay with our kids for the days when we were in the hospital adding our newest bundle of joy, which was such a blessing. Also, when my mom and her husband came to stay with us about two weeks after our daughter’s birth, we literally made them a list of things around the house that would be helpful, at their request, (changing lightbulbs, greasing squeaky door hinges, helping us re-arrange some furniture, etc.) that they worked on whenever they could—and it was AMAZING!
Help really ties back into the notion of item #1 on this list— at least for me, there was an overwhelming sense of not having enough time to get things done, because I was constantly nursing, pumping, or trying to cram food down my own throat in the 15 minutes before I was sure the baby would wake up again. If you can’t give someone the gift of time, give them the gift of help.
3. Food.
New parents need food. And lots of it!
But, they don’t need it all at once, within the first week of baby’s arrival! While this is a common thing to give new parents, and can be oh-so-helpful, so many people give new parents food within 2 or 3 days of the baby’s birth that a lot of it ends up wasted, because there is just too much and people’s freezers and refrigerators run out of space. Instead, it’s more helpful to space things out—set up a meal train for a family with a new baby where people can sign up to bring over a meal on set days at set times. Or just tell the family that you’d like to bring them a meal and ask when they’d like it. Staggering the timing can be incredibly helpful, to avoid a family being overwhelmed.
If you’re going to gift food—be sensitive to any food allergies. When our newest was born, a friend of ours baked us a loaf of bread that was not only beautiful and delicious, but was also dairy, soy, and allergen free. Just salt, flour, water, and yeast. Perfect. We don’t happen to have any food allergies, but the gesture was appreciated, because anyone could have eaten that bread.
Other tips—if you’re going to gift a meal, it’s best if the meal is pre-made and in disposable dishes or containers that you do not expect returned. The whole point of giving a meal is to simplify the new parents’ lives for at least one meal. So make it simple—something that can be put in the oven, or quickly heated in a pot or pan, and then easily disposed of. Avoid things that have more than 1 step required, or things that take an exorbitant amount of time. Fast, filling, and nutritious is the way to go. Make sure you include all of the ingredients, if there are things to be added on later. For example, if you gift a taco kit, have all of the toppings pre-chopped. And don’t send over meat and taco shells, but then note that the tacos are “best served with salsa and cheese” if you haven’t also included said salsa and cheese. You don’t want the new family to have to make a special trip to the grocery store—since that defeats the purpose of bringing them the meal. Finally, don’t gift a meal in a dish that you want back. My sister-in-law made us enchiladas for dinner and brought them to us. They were delicious! Unfortunately, they were in a glass dish of hers, meaning that it was one more thing in our state of chaos to be careful not to break, try to keep track of, clean, try to remember to whom it needed to be returned (and now that I write this—I’m not sure that we ever did return it), etc. Disposable dishes are a must (or, a sturdier Tupperware dish with a note that says, “This dish is yours to keep! Please don’t return it.”)
Another one of my favorite food gifts to give new moms if you don’t feel like dropping off a meal—lactation cookie mix. Here’s why: even if you’re not sure whether a mom is breastfeeding or not, the ingredients in lactation cookies are safe for anyone to eat (kids and spouses included). They’re just good cookies that are semi-nutritious. And bonus—they’re a simple thing that a mom can also take a few minutes to bake with older kids while the baby sleeps, that everyone in the family can later enjoy. Mixes are readily available on Amazon in a variety of flavors, and as someone who has tested quite a few—most are very tasty.
4. Companionship.
Last but not least, new parents need companionship. As much joy as a new baby can bring, loneliness also presents itself. Feelings of being overwhelmed, having no one to talk to all day, missing events that you would have attended had you not just given birth, missing your spouse once they return to work and you continue to be at home with the baby all day, etc. are common. And here’s the thing people forget—companionship is not just needed at the beginning of the forgotten trimester; in fact, it’s needed even more a few weeks after the baby’s birth, because that’s when most visitors stop coming. That’s when working spouses often return to work. Once people have “seen the new baby,” it’s like they forget that there is also another person in the house, the new mom, who needs companionship, and needs to been truly “seen.” Now, all new moms are different in terms of how much companionship they need. Some moms love having people come over every single day, for several hours at a time. For me, I liked my “alone time” with our new baby girl, and having someone come over just once or twice per week for an hour or two was sufficient to make me feel like I was still a part of society. The trick is just to make sure that new mom’s don’t feel forgotten—as much as you probably want to go see the adorable new baby, don’t forget there is someone else you need to pay attention to, also—that new mom.
(And as a disclaimer—if you ever think that you or a new mom are struggling with post-partum depression or post-partum anxiety, the topic for a future post, reach out and get help, or have someone reach out and seek help on your behalf.)
So, the next time you’re thinking of buying that adorable onesie, or toy, or other gift for a new baby, take a pause and try to think about the above. Toys will eventually wear out, or be given away, lost, or tossed in the trash. Same for clothes—they have a limited lifespan. The gifts that a family with a new baby will truly cherish and remember are those that help them in their time of need, make their lives easier, are sometimes intangible, often don’t cost any money at all, and instead involve giving a little of your time, effort, and, most importantly, love.
~The Forgotten Trimester~ 